Much of the pain we have in our relationships is based on expectations.
“I expect him to help me with the house.”
“I expect her to clean her room.”
“I expect him to call once in awhile.”
“I expect her to accept me the way I am.”
Sometimes, we follow those phrases with, “especially because I’ve TOLD him/her over and over again how important that is to me…”
The only story we’re telling when we say, “I told him/her over and over again and she’s not getting it” is that we aren’t getting it.
Here’s a very similar story: “I keep doing the same thing expecting HIM to change!”
“I keep doing the same thing and it’s NOT WORKING!”
“Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.” -Albert Einstein
The very resistance you’re feeling is causing not only your own bad feelings, it’s creating resistance in the other person.
“The heart rhythm of one person shows up in the brain wave pattern of another.” -Dr. Deborah Rozman, Ph.D
The mere fact that you’re interacting with someone in a frustrated, resistant, angry, or annoyed way is showing up in their brainwaves- and causing them to respond to you in the same way.
The more anger, annoyance, frustration, fear, and struggle you put out there, the worse the situation is going to get. Sure, the other person might eventually do the thing you want them to do, just to get you off their back, but the energy will be the same- you’ll still be bitter they took so long, and they won’t appreciate it that you were so ugly in your interactions with them.
So how do we turn those situations around?
- Release the need to control.
As Byron Katie says, there’s My business, Your business, and God’s business. Stay in your business (and be really honest about where your business stops.) If you’re worrying about something that’s not your business, take a deep breath and release it to the universe. Know that it can only get better without your frustrated energy tied to it.
- Change the way you feel about the situation.
When you change the way you feel, you change what you’re putting out there in a very physical way. They’ve proven this through science- but I know that seeing the results in your loved ones will be proof enough.
Remember, at any given moment you can decide how you want to feel about anything- so decide that instead of feeling frustrated, angry, out-of-control, or annoyed, imagine how you would feel if the relationship were perfect. By feeling that now, you begin to create that perfect relationship. (It’ll never be what you think it should be by fighting it with negative feelings, no matter how long you feel them.)
- Decide how you’re going to treat that person, no matter what.
AKA unconditional love, so many of us treat those close to us very conditionally. “I won’t get mad at you if you clean your room.” “I’ll be a kinder wife if you help me around the house.” Instead, decide that you’re going to be a loving person no matter what. Not only will your life and stress level improve drastically, but you’ll be surprised at the effect this has on their behavior, as well.
“Love draws forth love.” -Saint Teresa of Àvila
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